I feel like i need to explain myself. I had a rough childhood and i have always been the outcast. The one the popular kids picked on, the quiet one. Well somewhere in the mix I grew a voice and it seems to get me into trouble these days. I am very good at self destructive behavior and though I dont do it as much as i used to when it hits it hits HARD. I dont let people get close for this reason. I do have a pretty tough shell but dont let that fool you. I am super sensitive and though I dont get offended easily I do get hurt very easily and my first reaction is to push away to protect myself. There are only literally a handful of people who know me well enough to know what I will do next and why I do what i do. I can count them on one hand. This is a coping mechinism I have developed over the years. Being stabbed in the back or screwed over so many times helped to build that wall up. Even still the funny thing is I make friends in seperate places. Like each of my friends that I get close to are usually not connected in any way and if they ever do become connected I start to freak out some. Only recently I have started to get better about that. I do make my life an open book BUT that is surface and generally only here and now. If i let you in, deep into my world then you will stay there forever. I have lost good friends bcuz of lies or rumors but come to find out they really werent good friends at all. I have learned that my first thought of who may end up being a good friend often turned out to be wrong. I can honestly say I have only had 3 really true 100% best friends in my lifetime and I still have all three of them in my life. Im not talking about those from Cali that I feel like i have to hide things from Im talking about those that have seen me at my very lowest and have been by my side when I wasnt the best. Im talking about friends that know me for me and take me as I am faults and all and have never once tried to change me. I was laying in bed last night thinking about this. It would scare me to DEATH if all three of them were ever in the same room together. My first thoughts would be what if they all become friends where does that leave me. Deep inside I am very insecure, I constantly worry about being betrayed or lied to or laughed at. Being used or taken advantage of for someone else to better themselves. I know i have issues but i have spent many years working on them. I am so much better today than I was back then. Kory has helped that, my kids have changed me, I have changed me. People do change BUT only as much as they want to. I have worked hard to get over things or be better about things. I am not nearly as paranoid as I used to be. I changed that bcuz i didnt want my kids to have to know how that felt or live paranoid themselves. Things are so much easier said than done. I grew up with my gramma criticizing and scrutinizing my moms weight and my grampas weight and as i got older my weight. This has lead to alot of emotional baggage and eating issues.
Im really rambling tonite I know. I got so much rumbling around in my head and i want to get it out so it stops crowding up and making my head hurt. I want to get to a place where my head is clear and calm. Where I can just enjoy my surroundings without my thoughts racing. I am so tired but my brain just doesnt quit. I think I have rambled enough for tonite. LOVE YOU ALL
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