Here goes nothing

Its been a really long time since I have been here. Im thinking it is time to come back and write again. Life is still good out here in KY. My kids love it here. We have a small farm brewing with rabbits, chickens, and dogs. Lots of changes on their way for us. Kory and work are changing and the kids go back to school next month. My littlest one will be starting kindergarten and my baby girl is going to be in first grade. I cant believe this is my oldest's last year in elementary school. He has started going through his "changes" he'd kill me if he knew I was saying that. As for me its the same old stuff. Still trucking along fighting my own inner battles. At least my sjogrens hasn't killed me to much lately. Other than the fatigue I have felt pretty good. So, short and sweet for today. I am hoping to stick with it this time. Write again in a couple days. Maybe then I will have more interesting things to say. Today I feel a little blah. Ont sure why I chose today to write but I did. My love to you all.

inside my head

I feel like i need to explain myself. I had a rough childhood and i have always been the outcast. The one the popular kids picked on, the quiet one. Well somewhere in the mix I grew a voice and it seems to get me into trouble these days. I am very good at self destructive behavior and though I dont do it as much as i used to when it hits it hits HARD. I dont let people get close for this reason. I do have a pretty tough shell but dont let that fool you. I am super sensitive and though I dont get offended easily I do get hurt very easily and my first reaction is to push away to protect myself. There are only literally a handful of people who know me well enough to know what I will do next and why I do what i do. I can count them on one hand. This is a coping mechinism I have developed over the years. Being stabbed in the back or screwed over so many times helped to build that wall up. Even still the funny thing is I make friends in seperate places. Like each of my friends that I get close to are usually not connected in any way and if they ever do become connected I start to freak out some. Only recently I have started to get better about that. I do make my life an open book BUT that is surface and generally only here and now. If i let you in, deep into my world then you will stay there forever. I have lost good friends bcuz of lies or rumors but come to find out they really werent good friends at all. I have learned that my first thought of who may end up being a good friend often turned out to be wrong. I can honestly say I have only had 3 really true 100% best friends in my lifetime and I still have all three of them in my life. Im not talking about those from Cali that I feel like i have to hide things from Im talking about those that have seen me at my very lowest and have been by my side when I wasnt the best. Im talking about friends that know me for me and take me as I am faults and all and have never once tried to change me. I was laying in bed last night thinking about this. It would scare me to DEATH if all three of them were ever in the same room together. My first thoughts would be what if they all become friends where does that leave me. Deep inside I am very insecure, I constantly worry about being betrayed or lied to or laughed at. Being used or taken advantage of for someone else to better themselves. I know i have issues but i have spent many years working on them. I am so much better today than I was back then. Kory has helped that, my kids have changed me, I have changed me. People do change BUT only as much as they want to. I have worked hard to get over things or be better about things. I am not nearly as paranoid as I used to be. I changed that bcuz i didnt want my kids to have to know how that felt or live paranoid themselves. Things are so much easier said than done. I grew up with my gramma criticizing and scrutinizing my moms weight and my grampas weight and as i got older my weight. This has lead to alot of emotional baggage and eating issues.

Im really rambling tonite I know. I got so much rumbling around in my head and i want to get it out so it stops crowding up and making my head hurt. I want to get to a place where my head is clear and calm. Where I can just enjoy my surroundings without my thoughts racing.  I am so tired but my brain just doesnt quit. I think I have rambled enough for tonite. LOVE YOU ALL

does anybody hear her....

I just want answers to why i feel the way i do all the time. Why cant i just be healthy and do the normal everyday things I used. Instead I battle daily pain and headaches, dry eyes and sinus's, dry throat and cough, hormone issues, vision and taste changes, brain fog, irritability and shortness, heart feels like its beating so hard its gonna come right out of my chest, sores in my mouth often times, stomach issues, digestion stuff, and the list goes on. Meanwhile I do my best to put on a brave face, not complain and just do anything I can to get through my day. Things seem to be getting harder and harder for me everyday. I haven't seen a doc other than my naturopathic doc since last year and I'm really not looking forward to starting over with a new primary who will probably start the whole pass the buck off to a dozen different specialists only to be sent to psych because they think i have a personality disorder or better yet just tell me I'm a hypochondriac.

I have suffered for a very long time its just been the last 2 years things have been slowly getting unbearable. I know in my own self that something isn't right but its getting others to help and see it to that are proving to be impossible. I hate being told "just don't think about it" , " stay positive", " just get over it" " there are people so much worse off than you so you should be happy" " you just need to take this stuff n you'd be fine". I have heard them all and I'm tired of it. I put on my brave face and I suck it up and push through it. I do get to the point where I'm gonna snap and need to just let it out. I'm sorry to all my friends that have had the joy of being on the receiving end of my vents. I don't want pity its just nice to have an ear to get it all out with. I don't know how much longer I can take this i feel like any day I'm gonna crack and lose it. I fight every day for my kids. They need there mommy but truly how good am i to them like this.

There has to be someone out there that will fight for me. Help me get the answers to why and what.

last week and this week have been particularly bad. Whatever it is in me that lays dormant has decided to rear its ugly head FULL FORCE.

very dry eyes, nose and throat, cough heart pounding.
Very very bad headache so bad that i cant see my ears are ringing and the room is spinning.
My legs have been weak and its been a struggle just to walk around the house.
I have thought about doing a separate blog to catalog my days but honestly it would be boring and redundant.

  I don't go to E.R. bcuz that is just a waste of $150 plus 20% to be told there is nothing we can do go home.


Trust me I have tried everything anyone has suggested and nothing is working. Its just gotta run its course (God only knows how long it will last)

I have lost weight, gotten off ALL prescription meds, changed diet and environment, gotten glasses, done physical therapy, pain management, had heart tests, blood tests, seen rhuematologist, endocrinologist, cardiologist, My old primary started to hit on things n then we moved.


Please God let there be a doc here that is willing to be aggressive and persistent. I think i have suffered long enough to deserve answers.

Thanks all for reading sorry to bore you. I know y'all have heard it alot so thank you for enduring once again.

I LOVE AN ASPIE!!!!!

Im sitting here tonight and doing my endless research. Im learning more about how to really LOVE my son meanwhile my heart is breaking. Its breaking because im learning how his little mind works and just how different it is. I know about the aspergers but I have never read things posted by those living with it. See things from there point of view. I try very hard to do best for him and I see just how wrong I have been. I see that his current behavior issues stem from mine and Kory's ignorance of his deep needs that have gone unmet. I havent told alot of people this but his half brother was recently diagnosed with aspergers as well so its pretty obvious where he got it from but I know his "donor" isnt all to blame. I have my mental issues as well. I so badly want to do right by him and give him the best possible life. It is soooooo tough. The day to day constant battles and repeating the same things every day is frustrating and gets old and I often lose sight that he doesnt realize it. People around him see his intelligence and say hes just bored or hyper active. He really is an Aspie. if you want to get technical its soon to become PDD-NOS or HFA. Thats a lovely mouthful. Im gonna let ya'll  figure that one out on your own. I guess I just need constant reminders of his needs and of his issues. I LOVE MY ASPIE!!!! I love him more than anything and I WILL prevail and get it right. He deserves it, WE deserve a happy life. I honesly am considering getting myself medicated just to help him which as some of you know would be the hardest thing ever with my family the way they are. Kory's family and Kory are well anti meds and Korys dad pushes shaklee bullshit. Reading all this aspergers stuff has really got me wondering if its a tiny part of me to. At $50 a pop for a visit I will stay on the back burner. For now I shall continue coping and stuffing my issues. I have been super irritable the last few days n now tonight even sounds bug me. Kory drinking is making me want to strangle him my dogs licking, Kory chewing ice, the sound of the ice moving in the cup. YUP...... Im NUTZZZ

so on that note. PEACE OUT!!!!!

way to early

I hate mornings like this. Its WAY to early to be up but here I am. My FIL is here and that always means Gabe is up EXTREMELY early therfore so is pretty much everyone else in the house. My FIL doesnt sleep much and Gabe doesnt really either. I generally spend most of the nights awake while hes here since he gets out of bed alot then when Gabe wakes up they talk and I cant hear him but Gabes whisper is more of a tone of a regular persons inside voice. I have always woken up to the to ANY sound from ANY of my kids so when i hear him I wake up. Today is also a special day and my brain is focused on this cake. Im very excited to be doing it. I enjoy these cakes hence why i continue doing them since I started this tradtion a few years ago. This in fact will actually be Ashlynns first one since last year she wanted cupcakes for her fairy princess party. Im worried not alot of people will show up but I know some of her cousins shes never really met will be here so it will be good for all of them to get to play and work on getting to know eachother. Im a bit nervous since Kory's aunt Penny and Uncle Jack will be here and they are the cake makers of the family. Makes me nervous that they might be criticing my cake but at the same time I welcome the feedback. I know this family isnt to keen on fondant but hey its what i want to do and you can pull it off if you dont want to eat it. Im still waiting for my husband to make the cake so I can get started on it which is a bit frustrating but im not complaining to him because hes being kind enough to bake it for me. For some reason im not very good at the baking part. Yeah I know thats weird. So im sitting here writing and listening to my music, my Kier just got up and I can hear Gabe talking to papa and I think Kory went back to bed. Oh well, maybe I will start working on everything else for the day.

Im stuck in a weird spot today. I feel kinda out of it and blah but im excited to see the family yet im a bit...... hmmmm not really sure. Yesterday afternoon I was so scattered I literally FORGOT where I parked and it took me almost ten minutes and a phone call to Kory to get my bearings and find my van. Then driving home I was out of sorts and turned around. BUT at least I didnt turn up the wrong way on the one way street like I did last week. It was funny but scarry to. Hopefully this fog I got in my brain will clear because it doesnt feel very good. My hubby did get up and has made his way to the kitchen to start on my cakes YAY!!!! I dont want to get up off the couch now that im comfy n warm not to mention the tiny ball of fur that is snuggled down in between my thigh and the couch. Shes so sweet and she sleeps all night curled up touching me. I LOVE IT!!!! Helps me when i wake up at night, She cuddles so much more than buddy ever has and she dont incesantly lick you. Well all my loves I am off to cake land. I really hope this one turns out good. Im trying a BUNCH of new things I have never done before. This will be a learning experience and fun. Maybe someday I can do this for a living when my babies are all in school and Im bored. lol  Something to get me by while we work our way towards our dream of owning a ranch.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!

becuz I CAN

Im feeling kinda blah tonight but with an emotional twist if thats possible. Its the time of month when i switch aroundmy hormone meds so im all weirded out to begin with then you add my baby girl's b-day and family visiting in there and you got one crazy ass bitch. Ok so thats a nromal thing any way well at least today i got an excuse..... well.... maybe. Anyway, my little girl did in the end hhhhhhave a GREAT FRICKIN DAY!!!! Yes nanelle that ones for you :) for those of you lost by that go youtube Jeff Dunham with peanut and jose jalepeno then you'll understand for those that know LAUGH ALREADY!!!!

so as im sure you have learned my coping mechinism for stress and emtional instability is sarcasm. WHOOPIE!!!! So its a happt day right I should be smiling and enjoying it well yes I did but now that its at the end I am letting the real feelings surface. The fact of the matter is her gramma has been in Kentucky since thursday and just came here today and then was gone after 3 hours. Her papa will be here for her party next week which will make her very happy. We heard from her Auntie T and Uncle B and her cousins Genoah, Rylan, and Derby, Miss Nanelle called and Gramma Judy and Grampa Kerry skyped and just before bed Papa called. Ok so yes people did call. Just for a minute im going to jump on the bitch wagon. her grampa Gary, Uncle Eric, Uncle Micheal and Aunt Sophy, or ANY of those we THOUGHT were close in AZ even texted. Family NO EXCUSE and the only one i give no wiggle room to in AZ is Angela. I really should have known by now but it still hurts. Yup she starts dating then marries the guy and they start making other friends that dont have small sick children and boom im shit on a stick. Well guess what I got something for her. now im hoping i get this right cuz this one comes from the GREAT MEL.

Hey Angela - GO PISS UP A SLACK ROPE AND SUCK ON THE WET END!!!!

amazingly I feel better even though she isnt part of this blog and will never read it and wouldnt possibly have time to return a call so i could say it directly to her but hey its been said and im gonna be selfish on this one and say I DID IT FOR ME!!!

so im gonna end on a little conclusion

True friends offer you a hand to hold to get to the next step a fake friend will grab your hand n throw you down on the ground to use you as a stepping stone to get themself up above you then leave you there with no towel to clean off the mud.

I know who my real friends are and I can count them on one hand. I like it that way. Yes I am a loyal TRUE friend to even those that step on me but only THOSE closest to me would I take a bullet for.

"find out who your friends are, some bodys gonna drop everything, run out and crank up their car, hit the gas get there fast never stop to think whats in it for me, or thats way to far, just show on up with a big old heart, find out who your friends are"

for my baby girl

I cant believe that at that this time 4 years ago I was sitting at home feeling uncomfortable and pretty pregnant. I went to bed feeling bad and just achy and weird. I was in for a rough night. I got barely any sleep and could not get comfoy no matter what.  The next morning shortly after Kory left for work (6:45am) I had cramps and figured i'd try to go potty and see if it helped. My impatient little girl was done waiting and broke my water. Kory had been at work for 15 minutes when i called him to tell him I was going to the hospital and that our baby girl would be born soon. I was still early so it was a bit scary but I knew I was far enough that they would not do anything to stop her from coming. I called the In-laws and they took there sweet time coming to get me. Then we ended up taking Gabe to school first to. I wasnt contracting very bad so I didnt pitch a fit but i was a bit frustrated. We FINALLY got to the hospital at around 8:30 or so. YUP an hour and 15 minutes after I called for a ride. I love my in-laws but they live on southern time. So back to the story, Kory finally showed up at around 8:45 and then I was taken in to the pre-op waiting room to be put in line. By this time i had started contracting very bad and in tons of pain BUT not dialating (NO ONE would believe me that I dont dialate). It was all good because the OB i had refused to let me try V-bac. Fine whatever I will do another C-section.

11:06 am January 16th, 2007 weiching in  at 6 lbs 13 oz Miss Ashlynn Grace made her entrance into this world and has been my Pretty since the moment I first saw her face. Happy 4th Birthday my beautiful baby girl. You are growing up way to fast but I still do enjoy every minute of it. The things you say and do just make me smile and shake my head and you are the cutest little girl in the world. 

We took Ashlynn to Red Robin tonight for dinner and she was hilarious when they came out and sang to her. It was rough with Gabe but we got through it. I still cannot believe my baby girl is 4.  Her birthday party will be next saturday to hopefully make it so more people can be here. My kids are feeling a bit left behind with not knowing anyone here. Im looking forward to and dreading her cake this year. I am hoping it turns out good and will in turn add to my list of skills as far as cakes go.

Well all I think I am going to go and spend some time with my hubby and get in bed early. My baby girl is 4...... We find out on Thursday if shes starts school...... I miss her tiny cuddly phase.