inside my head

I feel like i need to explain myself. I had a rough childhood and i have always been the outcast. The one the popular kids picked on, the quiet one. Well somewhere in the mix I grew a voice and it seems to get me into trouble these days. I am very good at self destructive behavior and though I dont do it as much as i used to when it hits it hits HARD. I dont let people get close for this reason. I do have a pretty tough shell but dont let that fool you. I am super sensitive and though I dont get offended easily I do get hurt very easily and my first reaction is to push away to protect myself. There are only literally a handful of people who know me well enough to know what I will do next and why I do what i do. I can count them on one hand. This is a coping mechinism I have developed over the years. Being stabbed in the back or screwed over so many times helped to build that wall up. Even still the funny thing is I make friends in seperate places. Like each of my friends that I get close to are usually not connected in any way and if they ever do become connected I start to freak out some. Only recently I have started to get better about that. I do make my life an open book BUT that is surface and generally only here and now. If i let you in, deep into my world then you will stay there forever. I have lost good friends bcuz of lies or rumors but come to find out they really werent good friends at all. I have learned that my first thought of who may end up being a good friend often turned out to be wrong. I can honestly say I have only had 3 really true 100% best friends in my lifetime and I still have all three of them in my life. Im not talking about those from Cali that I feel like i have to hide things from Im talking about those that have seen me at my very lowest and have been by my side when I wasnt the best. Im talking about friends that know me for me and take me as I am faults and all and have never once tried to change me. I was laying in bed last night thinking about this. It would scare me to DEATH if all three of them were ever in the same room together. My first thoughts would be what if they all become friends where does that leave me. Deep inside I am very insecure, I constantly worry about being betrayed or lied to or laughed at. Being used or taken advantage of for someone else to better themselves. I know i have issues but i have spent many years working on them. I am so much better today than I was back then. Kory has helped that, my kids have changed me, I have changed me. People do change BUT only as much as they want to. I have worked hard to get over things or be better about things. I am not nearly as paranoid as I used to be. I changed that bcuz i didnt want my kids to have to know how that felt or live paranoid themselves. Things are so much easier said than done. I grew up with my gramma criticizing and scrutinizing my moms weight and my grampas weight and as i got older my weight. This has lead to alot of emotional baggage and eating issues.

Im really rambling tonite I know. I got so much rumbling around in my head and i want to get it out so it stops crowding up and making my head hurt. I want to get to a place where my head is clear and calm. Where I can just enjoy my surroundings without my thoughts racing.  I am so tired but my brain just doesnt quit. I think I have rambled enough for tonite. LOVE YOU ALL

does anybody hear her....

I just want answers to why i feel the way i do all the time. Why cant i just be healthy and do the normal everyday things I used. Instead I battle daily pain and headaches, dry eyes and sinus's, dry throat and cough, hormone issues, vision and taste changes, brain fog, irritability and shortness, heart feels like its beating so hard its gonna come right out of my chest, sores in my mouth often times, stomach issues, digestion stuff, and the list goes on. Meanwhile I do my best to put on a brave face, not complain and just do anything I can to get through my day. Things seem to be getting harder and harder for me everyday. I haven't seen a doc other than my naturopathic doc since last year and I'm really not looking forward to starting over with a new primary who will probably start the whole pass the buck off to a dozen different specialists only to be sent to psych because they think i have a personality disorder or better yet just tell me I'm a hypochondriac.

I have suffered for a very long time its just been the last 2 years things have been slowly getting unbearable. I know in my own self that something isn't right but its getting others to help and see it to that are proving to be impossible. I hate being told "just don't think about it" , " stay positive", " just get over it" " there are people so much worse off than you so you should be happy" " you just need to take this stuff n you'd be fine". I have heard them all and I'm tired of it. I put on my brave face and I suck it up and push through it. I do get to the point where I'm gonna snap and need to just let it out. I'm sorry to all my friends that have had the joy of being on the receiving end of my vents. I don't want pity its just nice to have an ear to get it all out with. I don't know how much longer I can take this i feel like any day I'm gonna crack and lose it. I fight every day for my kids. They need there mommy but truly how good am i to them like this.

There has to be someone out there that will fight for me. Help me get the answers to why and what.

last week and this week have been particularly bad. Whatever it is in me that lays dormant has decided to rear its ugly head FULL FORCE.

very dry eyes, nose and throat, cough heart pounding.
Very very bad headache so bad that i cant see my ears are ringing and the room is spinning.
My legs have been weak and its been a struggle just to walk around the house.
I have thought about doing a separate blog to catalog my days but honestly it would be boring and redundant.

  I don't go to E.R. bcuz that is just a waste of $150 plus 20% to be told there is nothing we can do go home.


Trust me I have tried everything anyone has suggested and nothing is working. Its just gotta run its course (God only knows how long it will last)

I have lost weight, gotten off ALL prescription meds, changed diet and environment, gotten glasses, done physical therapy, pain management, had heart tests, blood tests, seen rhuematologist, endocrinologist, cardiologist, My old primary started to hit on things n then we moved.


Please God let there be a doc here that is willing to be aggressive and persistent. I think i have suffered long enough to deserve answers.

Thanks all for reading sorry to bore you. I know y'all have heard it alot so thank you for enduring once again.

I LOVE AN ASPIE!!!!!

Im sitting here tonight and doing my endless research. Im learning more about how to really LOVE my son meanwhile my heart is breaking. Its breaking because im learning how his little mind works and just how different it is. I know about the aspergers but I have never read things posted by those living with it. See things from there point of view. I try very hard to do best for him and I see just how wrong I have been. I see that his current behavior issues stem from mine and Kory's ignorance of his deep needs that have gone unmet. I havent told alot of people this but his half brother was recently diagnosed with aspergers as well so its pretty obvious where he got it from but I know his "donor" isnt all to blame. I have my mental issues as well. I so badly want to do right by him and give him the best possible life. It is soooooo tough. The day to day constant battles and repeating the same things every day is frustrating and gets old and I often lose sight that he doesnt realize it. People around him see his intelligence and say hes just bored or hyper active. He really is an Aspie. if you want to get technical its soon to become PDD-NOS or HFA. Thats a lovely mouthful. Im gonna let ya'll  figure that one out on your own. I guess I just need constant reminders of his needs and of his issues. I LOVE MY ASPIE!!!! I love him more than anything and I WILL prevail and get it right. He deserves it, WE deserve a happy life. I honesly am considering getting myself medicated just to help him which as some of you know would be the hardest thing ever with my family the way they are. Kory's family and Kory are well anti meds and Korys dad pushes shaklee bullshit. Reading all this aspergers stuff has really got me wondering if its a tiny part of me to. At $50 a pop for a visit I will stay on the back burner. For now I shall continue coping and stuffing my issues. I have been super irritable the last few days n now tonight even sounds bug me. Kory drinking is making me want to strangle him my dogs licking, Kory chewing ice, the sound of the ice moving in the cup. YUP...... Im NUTZZZ

so on that note. PEACE OUT!!!!!

way to early

I hate mornings like this. Its WAY to early to be up but here I am. My FIL is here and that always means Gabe is up EXTREMELY early therfore so is pretty much everyone else in the house. My FIL doesnt sleep much and Gabe doesnt really either. I generally spend most of the nights awake while hes here since he gets out of bed alot then when Gabe wakes up they talk and I cant hear him but Gabes whisper is more of a tone of a regular persons inside voice. I have always woken up to the to ANY sound from ANY of my kids so when i hear him I wake up. Today is also a special day and my brain is focused on this cake. Im very excited to be doing it. I enjoy these cakes hence why i continue doing them since I started this tradtion a few years ago. This in fact will actually be Ashlynns first one since last year she wanted cupcakes for her fairy princess party. Im worried not alot of people will show up but I know some of her cousins shes never really met will be here so it will be good for all of them to get to play and work on getting to know eachother. Im a bit nervous since Kory's aunt Penny and Uncle Jack will be here and they are the cake makers of the family. Makes me nervous that they might be criticing my cake but at the same time I welcome the feedback. I know this family isnt to keen on fondant but hey its what i want to do and you can pull it off if you dont want to eat it. Im still waiting for my husband to make the cake so I can get started on it which is a bit frustrating but im not complaining to him because hes being kind enough to bake it for me. For some reason im not very good at the baking part. Yeah I know thats weird. So im sitting here writing and listening to my music, my Kier just got up and I can hear Gabe talking to papa and I think Kory went back to bed. Oh well, maybe I will start working on everything else for the day.

Im stuck in a weird spot today. I feel kinda out of it and blah but im excited to see the family yet im a bit...... hmmmm not really sure. Yesterday afternoon I was so scattered I literally FORGOT where I parked and it took me almost ten minutes and a phone call to Kory to get my bearings and find my van. Then driving home I was out of sorts and turned around. BUT at least I didnt turn up the wrong way on the one way street like I did last week. It was funny but scarry to. Hopefully this fog I got in my brain will clear because it doesnt feel very good. My hubby did get up and has made his way to the kitchen to start on my cakes YAY!!!! I dont want to get up off the couch now that im comfy n warm not to mention the tiny ball of fur that is snuggled down in between my thigh and the couch. Shes so sweet and she sleeps all night curled up touching me. I LOVE IT!!!! Helps me when i wake up at night, She cuddles so much more than buddy ever has and she dont incesantly lick you. Well all my loves I am off to cake land. I really hope this one turns out good. Im trying a BUNCH of new things I have never done before. This will be a learning experience and fun. Maybe someday I can do this for a living when my babies are all in school and Im bored. lol  Something to get me by while we work our way towards our dream of owning a ranch.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!

becuz I CAN

Im feeling kinda blah tonight but with an emotional twist if thats possible. Its the time of month when i switch aroundmy hormone meds so im all weirded out to begin with then you add my baby girl's b-day and family visiting in there and you got one crazy ass bitch. Ok so thats a nromal thing any way well at least today i got an excuse..... well.... maybe. Anyway, my little girl did in the end hhhhhhave a GREAT FRICKIN DAY!!!! Yes nanelle that ones for you :) for those of you lost by that go youtube Jeff Dunham with peanut and jose jalepeno then you'll understand for those that know LAUGH ALREADY!!!!

so as im sure you have learned my coping mechinism for stress and emtional instability is sarcasm. WHOOPIE!!!! So its a happt day right I should be smiling and enjoying it well yes I did but now that its at the end I am letting the real feelings surface. The fact of the matter is her gramma has been in Kentucky since thursday and just came here today and then was gone after 3 hours. Her papa will be here for her party next week which will make her very happy. We heard from her Auntie T and Uncle B and her cousins Genoah, Rylan, and Derby, Miss Nanelle called and Gramma Judy and Grampa Kerry skyped and just before bed Papa called. Ok so yes people did call. Just for a minute im going to jump on the bitch wagon. her grampa Gary, Uncle Eric, Uncle Micheal and Aunt Sophy, or ANY of those we THOUGHT were close in AZ even texted. Family NO EXCUSE and the only one i give no wiggle room to in AZ is Angela. I really should have known by now but it still hurts. Yup she starts dating then marries the guy and they start making other friends that dont have small sick children and boom im shit on a stick. Well guess what I got something for her. now im hoping i get this right cuz this one comes from the GREAT MEL.

Hey Angela - GO PISS UP A SLACK ROPE AND SUCK ON THE WET END!!!!

amazingly I feel better even though she isnt part of this blog and will never read it and wouldnt possibly have time to return a call so i could say it directly to her but hey its been said and im gonna be selfish on this one and say I DID IT FOR ME!!!

so im gonna end on a little conclusion

True friends offer you a hand to hold to get to the next step a fake friend will grab your hand n throw you down on the ground to use you as a stepping stone to get themself up above you then leave you there with no towel to clean off the mud.

I know who my real friends are and I can count them on one hand. I like it that way. Yes I am a loyal TRUE friend to even those that step on me but only THOSE closest to me would I take a bullet for.

"find out who your friends are, some bodys gonna drop everything, run out and crank up their car, hit the gas get there fast never stop to think whats in it for me, or thats way to far, just show on up with a big old heart, find out who your friends are"

for my baby girl

I cant believe that at that this time 4 years ago I was sitting at home feeling uncomfortable and pretty pregnant. I went to bed feeling bad and just achy and weird. I was in for a rough night. I got barely any sleep and could not get comfoy no matter what.  The next morning shortly after Kory left for work (6:45am) I had cramps and figured i'd try to go potty and see if it helped. My impatient little girl was done waiting and broke my water. Kory had been at work for 15 minutes when i called him to tell him I was going to the hospital and that our baby girl would be born soon. I was still early so it was a bit scary but I knew I was far enough that they would not do anything to stop her from coming. I called the In-laws and they took there sweet time coming to get me. Then we ended up taking Gabe to school first to. I wasnt contracting very bad so I didnt pitch a fit but i was a bit frustrated. We FINALLY got to the hospital at around 8:30 or so. YUP an hour and 15 minutes after I called for a ride. I love my in-laws but they live on southern time. So back to the story, Kory finally showed up at around 8:45 and then I was taken in to the pre-op waiting room to be put in line. By this time i had started contracting very bad and in tons of pain BUT not dialating (NO ONE would believe me that I dont dialate). It was all good because the OB i had refused to let me try V-bac. Fine whatever I will do another C-section.

11:06 am January 16th, 2007 weiching in  at 6 lbs 13 oz Miss Ashlynn Grace made her entrance into this world and has been my Pretty since the moment I first saw her face. Happy 4th Birthday my beautiful baby girl. You are growing up way to fast but I still do enjoy every minute of it. The things you say and do just make me smile and shake my head and you are the cutest little girl in the world. 

We took Ashlynn to Red Robin tonight for dinner and she was hilarious when they came out and sang to her. It was rough with Gabe but we got through it. I still cannot believe my baby girl is 4.  Her birthday party will be next saturday to hopefully make it so more people can be here. My kids are feeling a bit left behind with not knowing anyone here. Im looking forward to and dreading her cake this year. I am hoping it turns out good and will in turn add to my list of skills as far as cakes go.

Well all I think I am going to go and spend some time with my hubby and get in bed early. My baby girl is 4...... We find out on Thursday if shes starts school...... I miss her tiny cuddly phase.

Random day

Well we got the call last night that school would be in session today but on a 1 hour delay. The irony of it is that its still snowing and alot more than yesterday so im not really sure what is going to happen. Buddy started his antibiotics yesterday and seems to be feeling a little better we are hoping that after his teeth get done on monday he will be back to normal and that then also starts our dreaded wait for the results of his bloodwork. He had some kind of episode a while back and his vet seems to think it was a seizure we still question if it was a stroke as well. The bloodwork will test for metabolic stuff and other stuff. Its crazy how our pets really become just another member of the family.

I cant believe my baby girl is going to be 4 on sunday. It seems like yesterday she was just a baby. I can picutre her in her little bundle wrap all cozy. She was so tiny and sweet. Shes still tiny but shes got ALOT more attitude these days. Time sure does fly. This year she will be 4 Gabe turns 8 and Kiernan turns 3 oh yeah and kory turns 35!!!! Hahahaha He doesnt know it yet but i am planning on suprising him with his own cake to. Im just not sure what im going to do for his yet.  Right now im gearing up for Ashlynns Hello Kitty cake which is going to test my skills or show me how much they lack. Im really happy that some of the family from Louisville is going to come here for her party. Shes been feeling pretty left out of things lately. I really cant say i blame her since her brothers do require so much attention.

so a new weird thing has come up for me the last few days. the only thing i can really think of is that cycle of emotions you go through when things happen. Anyway I can say CDH ro hear CDH but I have a really hard time hearing it said out loud what those 3 dreadful letters stand for. I cant even say what it stands for without pain or crying. I wonder if im finally at a point where my mental side and body are truly finally dealing with it and hitting that mourning period. Things have certainly slowed down as far as all the constant follow ups Kiernan has needed for so long. Things had just been so fast and regular that i think i closed that part and did what moms do - survive and push through it.  Its really odd that here i am 2 1/2 years after i ever learned what it was and i have been fine with it for a long time and now boom cant handle it.  I get angry when i hear of a new CDH Angel or of a family that just learned what it is. I know that each one of us is created the way we are with a purpose its just so difficult to be ok with children having to go through some of the things they do. I look at Kiernan's belly and yes im very greatful he is here it just hurts to think about the cost to his little body and his rough start.  I know he really in a sense had it easy compared to some but none the less he still had a struggle.  There are so many words and terms i had to learn that i would LOVE to erase but they unfortunatly are BURNED into my brain. I look at Kiernan now and wonder what his future will be. The CDH had hold of him when he was born and now that its lasting marks are under control we shift gears and prepare for the Klinefelters stuff. I cant change whats done, i cant take away what he has becuase its part of what makes him who he is. I just want to do my best to be honest and open with him when the time comes to educate him about himself and why he will need to do the things he will have to and that some of them will be life long.

Another thing that has been bothering me lately is how some ppl in my life have this perception that i favor one or more of my children over the other. I do my honest to GOD best for each one of my babies. I do my best to give them equal attention and love and support. Yeah so not ALL of them are in all the pictures i post of my kids but is that really a way to make that call??? Ok thats it on that

toady is turning out to be a random day wow!!!  my oldest is back in school, Kier is currently naked and Ashlynn just has jammie pants on. what a dayguess i better get clothes on them its 17 degrees outside (not that we will be going outside) its not cold in here now but I am not ready for the sight of my 2 year old discovering his "parts"

peace out my loves
Im randomly off for the continuation of my random day with my random children to watch the random snow flakes randomly falling.

Just another snow day in paradise

What a wonderful way to wake up.  6:30 am phone call from Mike Pitman " there will be no school in boyle county today" Awww the little things in life that just agrivate the crap outa ya.   Snow days are just soooooo much fun.  My seven year old is currently on antibiotics and im sure its somebodies sick twisted joke that they are almost ALL PINK!!!! Why is this an issue well in order to get pink you must add red dye #40 and the lovely pink color causes just the most amazing behavior changes in our home. Oh how I LOVE red dye #40. 

My sarcasm is seeming to be at an all time high today which is either just for fun or could mean a bad thing. Guess we will find out soon enough. While im taking this opertunity to sit on here and write i am also enjoying a nice hot cup of my chai that finally arrived yesterday from tasefully simple (shameless advertising plug). It is helping me wake up and drift off to an imaginary island where nature and crashing waves are the only sounds that can be heard.

Picture this-- Its a beautiful warm but not hot morning, the sun is just coming up and im sitting there under an umbrella in some comfy jammies and my flip flops that no long get any use, enjoying my cup of tea and sitting right next to me.......

suddenly snapped back to reality by the wind up of a little boy starting to cry and two other very loud "mommy"s. Oh well at least i made it to the island this time. 

Good morning world, please be kind to me today. Make my children calm extend me some extra patience, let the needy be just a bit more independent and the dogs be lazy all day. Help this day go by fast and let the snow fall like crazy so i may not be so aggrivated they called a snow day for no reason. 

I may see you again today who knows but for now toodles. :)

The first of many

I have been trying for a very long time to start a blog so HERE I AM!!!! My title is what was the hang up i just couldnt come up with something I liked and could be happy with. It came to me finally and I think it fits perfectly. Seeing as I now live in Kentucky. lol Ya see a very good friend has a fabulous image of my sitting in my white rocking chair on the front porch with a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket on the little table next to me so Mel this ones for you :)

I needed a place to just let loose and say whatever the heck was on my mind. Despite what people think facebook is NOT the place to air every dirty little secret well that is unless you like drama and attention. I for one got enough of drama back in high school and really have NO desire to be the center of ANY attention accept for my husbands. My children make me the center of attention but only when they are TRYING to be the center of attention.

I dont make sense alot of time and I can be confusing so here is my own little world to be free and just be who i am. Free from judgement or scrootiny. Ok so i cant really spell very well either. SO SUE ME.... wait scratch that i dont have any money to brib you off with.  Sarcasm is my way of life and all to often my way of getting through everything life throws at me.

I am an open book so if ya ask me something then ya better be prepared to get a straight forward answer with no sugar coating and no cotton to soften the blow. If you are only looking to hear what you want to hear i suggest you find someone else full of smoke to blow it up your butt.

Comments are welcomed but please be respectful and know that any and all opinions i speak of are mine unless otherwise specified and use caution when spitting back if you disagree, I promise you I can and WILL spit farther. :) I am not mean and i dont intend to be rude but I also dont always think it all the way through before i speak which often times winds me up with one or both of my feet in my mouth. I am loyal and if I let you get close I would do pretty much anything for you. My biggest draw back is I will let you walk all over me to because I dont drop people just because i disagree or they hurt me. You have to do something pretty messed up for me to walk away and chances are even then if you ever called me and where in trouble id still be there. That is not an open invite to screw me though please.

I know im not perfect and i dont ever claim i am or try to be. I am me and thats all i will ever be. I dont have alot of close friends and I do that for a reason (kinda goes along with being loyal). I have been screwed over alot in my lifetime and so I have a hard time letting new people in BUT once you are in its pretty much for good like i was saying before.

This is my world and yes it will be random and sometimes strange im sure but thats how y mind works. Thanks for stopping by. :)